I think you and I are destined to do this forever.

The cynical chameleon made a very cynical smile. You see, he was wrong. Something was made from nothing. However, that something was worthless. For the cynical chameleon would never get his chance to scream. His chance to show his true color. That true color. Which to me, leaves me to believe that just maybe he was right all along. Why else would he smile? Perhapes, he isn't cynical, but a realist. - "Realist Chameleon"

Today hasn’t really been a good day for me. I got a new Batman graphic novel called, “The Killing Joke”, but I don’t think it can really make up for today’s bad news.

I haven’t mentioned it here in this blog, but for those who know me outside the internet or on my social networking profiles, you’d know that I was prepared (no, ready) to finally leave my hometown of Laredo, Texas to attend the University of North Texas in Denton. I was accepted in the school and my financial aid is in hand, and my orientation date is scheduled for next week.

I am (in all definition) ready for my new school experience away from Laredo with my brother, cousins, and friends. I was finally gone. Be who I want to me without anybody questioning my actions or authority.

However, today I was in my oh-so-favorite-place in the world, San Antonio for (you guessed it!) a follow up with my doctors to see how I have been doing. Well, if you’ve gotten this far in my blog entry, then I am sure you can tell things are not good. I am still my own worst enemy. Not just mentally, but physically.

Things are not good at all.

My heart attack last year was a grueling testament and was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to endure. Since then, nothing has really been the same for me. While I knew deep down inside my health was desecrating, I put on a straight face and acted like nothing was wrong. Despite how cynical and morbid I am, I’m always secretly hoping things go different and I get better.

I can’t say that I am surprised by my doctor’s results, I just wished the new procedure on my heart could have waited till December. However I am in a pretty bad shape and waiting till then could be catastrophic. I am in a verge of getting another heart attack. One of the heart valves they replaced has been tearing during the year; and since May has deteriorated even more. I will be undergoing a new surgery in about six weeks. This is another big one. Again, I will be in the hospital for a month. Aside from death, another big risk from this procedure is that I won’t be able to walk again. While the chance is small, it still exists.

Also, this new surgery is going to be a lot more demanding and challenging that my normal heart doctor won’t be able to do it. Instead a doctor from (my second favorite place in the whole world!!) Houston, Texas will be operating on me. -_-

I don’t know if I can take it again to be honest. Writing this and thinking about this predicament exhausts me and makes my breathing harder and my heart beat faster..

I can’t do this alone. I need to really work with myself on this one. I need my mind healthy in order for me to get through this again. Last time this happened I was completely defeated in ways I don’t think I could ever explain. The idea of another birthday spent in a hospital bed is shattering for me.

I’m still going up to Denton for a little while, but I won’t be attending any classes. I am just going to be a freeloader for the next 4 weeks. I am scheduled to see Nine Inch Nails again this Monday, so that will make me very happy. Going to concerts and shows is where I can say that I am truly happiest.

Unfortunately my birthday weekend that included seeing Ghostland Observatory on October 11th will have to be attended without me. *sigh*

Oh, September.. how I hate you so.