..and that’s never free.”
Townshend said it best, I think.
I honestly thought I had let go that one night, but maybe I haven’t. I was right about a lot of things, and while it’s hard to swallow, I really wished I was wrong about so much. I wished things were back to the way they used to be. I wish those I despised went back to their old lifestyles to become substance abusers and misogynist pigs. If I could choose to make them one way or the other, I would much rather have a few broken hearts at a dingy bar or hotel, than to have him gain so much power over various communities.
I’d like to move on. Believe me, if there was a sure way to move on, I would take it in a heartbeat. But my personal vendetta has evolved to a point where I don’t think I would be able too. There is to much at stake to simply “let go” or “get over it.”
But alas, this lonely vengeance in my head has gotten me nowhere. I am well aware that it has cost so much more pain and aggression. My past relationships were never successful because of it, and due to this, it is one of the many reasons I avoid even trying to seek new ones.
A lot of time, energy, and anger has been spent trying to correct the wrongs of my past and now that I have a chance to finally bury the hatchet.. I’m at a loss of words. They’re so many people who live their entire lives never once getting the opportunity to actually (physically, mentally and spiritually) “let go“, and now that I have it..
..it has become more of a series of questions. A “lesson”, if you will. After it all, did I learn anything? Am I satisfied with myself now given the situation and information that I uncovered? Was it all worth it? So much time, so much potential spent on trying to desperately find some kind of clarity to how I felt.. was it in vain? ..or is the person in the mirror happy with himself?
If not, then what can make that individual happy? Is it the love of his family? The love he has for his friends? None of it seemed to ever matter before while I was lost in within my own grudges. I took for granted those who actually cared about me, trying to find those who didn’t. Am I a fool for doing so..? If you knew, and could see through it all.. would you do the same?
I can sit here and challenge those who don’t know to try and walk a mile in my shoes, but I don’t think it’d make a difference.
I just don’t know right now. I don’t really care for anyone’s comments nor am I looking for some kind of advice, let alone sympathy so don’t even bother. This is for me and me alone.
It always has been that way.