The Thin Man

Yesterday I was at San Antonio for a follow-up with my doctor to see how everything is going with my surgery and all that jazz. Despite still taking 2 to 3 pills for pain a day, the scars, my breathing, and blood pressure are all pretty steady. The next appointment with that doctor won’t be till like early January of 2009, so that’s always good news. However, what sucks is, it turns out I lost 10 pounds since October 6th. Now I weigh a staggering 99 pounds. I hadn’t weighed that low since like 2003 or something.

These damn surgeries really take a lot of me. It’s kind of sickening thinking about just how much more skinnier I have gotten. While I can’t really see it physically, the idea that the scales don’t lie really scare the shit out of me. It’s still a little difficult for me to finish eating full complete meals. I find myself just drinking a Coke or a Fanta and nibbling on a few cookies and eating like half a taco. The neighbor next door is really nice enough to cook a lunch for me, but I still can’t finish her meals. I feel it’s just too much. I don’t know what it is about all these surgical procedures, but they really diminish my appetite. I guess it starts at the hospital with all their shitty tasting food. Something about trying to eat some Corn Flakes while nurses force you to chug down some fucking shitty taking orange flavored Metamucil so you can take a shit better.

Argh. I know I am destined to do this forever, but really.. I don’t know how much I can take anymore. I don’t want to be wasting 3 to 4 months a year recovering from this stupid bullshit. I need to be out there, man. I need to go out and live, not recover and recover and recover. Fuck that shit. The beginning of the year was awesome. I started a new and I felt great. I took my life back and I aspired to do a lot of things. I was so close to death, that I felt I couldn’t pass up life anymore. Shit, I have an apartment up in Denton now.

But alas, I can’t seem to be enjoying these luxuries at the moment. Instead I spend my days taking meds and sleeping all day and night. I know I will get better soon, but really; how long till the next operation after I get healthier? I guess I shouldn’t think about stuff like that. But god dammit, I can’t help it sometimes.